Unsent Letters: 20180323

♫ I should have been chasing you,
I should have been trying to prove,
That you were all that mattered to me,
I should have said all the things,
That I kept inside of me and maybe,
I could have made you believe,
That what we had was all we ever need. ♫

         I wanted to forget what day it was today. But turns out, my mind wouldn’t allow it. If you’ve only been brave enough to ask questions, I would definitely have answered on a positive note. But knowing how things have gone south, everything seemed perfectly understandable.

It’s funny how the feeling of fate played a major role in our relationship for two years. Something you and I tried to avoid. I always told myself that our failed plans were a result of poor planning and bad timing. As it usually hits a point wherein something uneventful happens on your side fo the world. While I on the other hand, felt like a spectator. An unwanted spectator to say the least.

I never blamed you for it. Nor cursed you for it. Now that I’ve seen as a bystander how frequent these arguments you’ve had with your family. It has become a familiar tune in my ears as well as my soul. I hoped I’ve seen it earlier. How you had become exhausted from all that’s happening around you. I should have noticed it before it was too late. Perhaps at one point, I did. But I was already hurting too much for me to have noticed it. I wish, I did better. I wished both of us did.

Though that wishful thinking proved unfruitful now, as the result came to a surprising end for the both of us. It felt so surreal for me. Seeing you, meeting you on the other side of the bridge as it falls in front of us. With it, I found myself crying most nights, wondering what happened and what went wrong. Most nights, I kept asking the stars why my love wasn’t enough to keep our flame strong.

Maybe we can no longer go back to it anymore. Being together, being us. As much as I wish for it. Maybe the question why you kept liking several lyrics of a song which were intended for you felt like it’s intended for me too will remain unanswered. Maybe the story of my tears every night will remain closed like how our chapter came to an end. Away from your prying eyes and your warm hands. And right now, I can say that it is okay. Even if I still am not.

What matters right now is the fact that you’re still near me. Close within my reach. I can still have those tight embraces and laughters without feeling guilt nor pain in my heart. I can still hear the deepness of your voice when you laugh or the richness of your tone when you drop a joke or the annoyance when we talk about the stress of our work and our lives. I may no longer utter those words I haven’t told you for so long but I know you can still feel it. I hope you still do.

The wishful thoughts would possibly remain in me for god knows how long. But by no means you are bound to return it. The feelings that I have and still have for you will forever remain, I think. Though in the future, its intensity will decrease but I am certain that it will remain in my heart.

As the final seconds of this day comes to a close, I just want to say that I love you. And I am missing the good old memories I shared with you. I am missing the touch of your lips, and the way how your hand felt so good in mine. Perhaps, we’re far better being like this than we’ve been before. And I know I have my flaws as your lover. But I hope I was able to love you enough that my name will forever etched in a small piece of your soul.

Until then I will enjoy every chance of happiness I will have with you.

we held hands for the first time

I will forever miss…

 

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