For hours, I have been thinking of what to say.
Of what to write.
For everything that I am feeling.
For the pain that comes in different intervals in the day and sometimes, in multitudes at night…
For months, I have been thinking of words. Words that would describe the pain I feel. That excruciating pain that knocks on my door unannounced when they are no longer welcome. As if they have the right to enter in my heart because you used to occupy it.
And as I sit here, looking at the cursor that continues to blink back at me… I realized… that until now, I cannot find words for my pain.
It’s frustrating, like a continuous drop from a cliff where I was pushed instantly without notice. Just falling endlessly with no idea when I will hit the ground.
And in the coldest of nights, I find myself wondering again. Wondering in questions that will never be answered.
For the apologies that I will never hear from your lips.
For all the pain you’ve caused, making me think that for years you have loved me but not.
For finding out that I wasn’t the one you wanted to spend your life with.
It was unfair. Totally unfair.
I never deserved to be treated like this. From you or from anyone.
I have always been okay as the one who was never noticed. A wallflower who simply watches the lives of people around me. A nobody that being picked last at any game because there was no other option.
But then you showed up, telling things, making it seem that I can be interesting in your eyes. That someone like me deserves love and the happy beginnings that my friends have.
Did you just do it out of spite? Because I was a challenge to you?
Was it because I was the only girl sitting all alone in that classroom that you felt the need to hit on because she wasn’t available for you at the moment?
I’m not your toy to practice your love on, just because she wasn’t there.
It was a foul move. A very foul one.
…I never should have met you.
You brought a good lesson, destroying my confidence, trust, and love in the process. And no cuss words and punches can remove that inside my soul.
If people would ask me, I don’t love you. Not anymore. I no longer have any affections left even if we cross each other’s paths someday.
I don’t love you anymore.
But I’m still filled with questions in my head and that nagging feeling that I may never be enough for anyone else. And that I have to live on with that fact.
That I can never have that happiness that I’ve been dreaming for so long.
All I can do is cry it all out and let go. That my experience with you and the love I invested in you only to throw them away are nothing but a practice, a way to pass your time as you wait for her to be available to you.
Yes, all I can do is cry it all out, in different intervals of day and sometimes, in multitudes at night. And finally get past it, giving myself a chance of new love with a new hope…
And I am trying. I am doing my best at doing it.
…I just wish I’m not doing it alone.
Especially on nights that cold rain heavily pours.
Because on those nights…
I find it so hard to stay alive.
Lost In Translation 